Penis Pesto Pizza Taste Test

– Oh (coughs) It smells like a wet dog

– Yeah (upbeat Americana music) Welcome to Food Fears where I make something you hate taste great You might recognize my guest from his appearance on Lopez Tonight, it's Link Neal – (chuckles) Okay – Welcome Link

– That's how we're gonna start this huh? – Have you done other things? I'm really only familiar with your Lopez Tonight – That's the last thing I remember – Well thank you for being here You may or may not know what you're in for a little bit – Whenever you and a food helmet are involved, I get nervous

– So I've watched you gag and spit up on so many foods over the years and I really hope you don't gag on the final dish I'm about to make you today because we are eating, we're eating, it's penis, yeah We're eating penis – That is a, that's a wiener – This is from a bull so it is technically kosher, if you're worried about that – [Link] Why is it rolled up like Fruit By The Foot? – That's what all penises look like

So you've eaten penis a lot on the show – Josh? – What? – Okay, you know what, yes, that is what all penises look like – Okay so you've eaten penis a lot of times on the show, you never seem to enjoy it You seem kinda scared of it What about the penis scares you in particular? – (clears throat) Mine even scares me

Have you seen it? – No – That wasn't an offer Well, oh man look at that angle – The more angles you look at it, the worse it's gonna get – Yeah it's just not the thing that, it's not the thing that when you're hungry you find yourself craving, at least not me

– That's my goal I am hoping to get you to fall in love with the penis (laughs) But first we need to try the penis in its pure, raw form so I've just simply– – Keep saying penis When I was a child, I called it a peeto – A peeto, if it'd make you more comfortable, I can say we have to eat this boiled peeto right now

– You're saying we're gonna eat this – Yeah, I need to get a flavor profile to know how to build the flavors in my dish to try and get you to love this so I will try and take a bite with you – That doesn't make any sense, okay Okay yeah, oh, you want me to have the curly-cue one – I think you should try the tip

– This is your show, I don't know what you do – Yeah no we're supposed to just gingerly touch our tips – Okay – The skin right there, there's some hairs attached but the skin right there's gonna be your filet mignon penis – Oh

(coughs) It smells like a wet dog – Yeah, mm-hmm This is where pee comes from It's probably the reason I like the way he's using his tongue with it

– It's unchewable – Wow – There's no way, Josh There's no way that I can even (coughs) – Maybe just try and get the flavor

– There's no way I can describe it that won't have a double meaning – Yeah we're into it – It's difficult It's so hard, it's so stiff – It's so hard and so stiff and that means that I am coming up against some stiff challenges to try and get you to like this

– Yeah I don't even know how you're gonna make it dineable – That's for me to figure out If you come back in a hour or so, I'll have a fully prepared beautiful penis dish for you to eat – There's some right here on my diastema (upbeat country music) – There are three keys to success in life: hard work, determination, and cleaning your penis

And we're really only gonna hit that third one today We're gonna slice a knife down the center of the urethra to expose it and then we're gonna run that under cold water while massaging it to really get any trace of urine out Now that our penises are clean, we can pressure cook them We're just gonna toss in an onion, toss in a lemon, salt, a little peppercorn, a bunch of oregano, then in go our little bouquet of penises Cook well, penises

Then we're gonna set that to 45 minutes on high pressure on the Instant Pot, and then ready to go I'm not going to be making a traditional pizza sauce per se but it is a traditional Italian tomato sauce that is typically with a dish called bucatini all'Amatriciana from the town of Amatrice and so it typically starts with cured pork gel I'm gonna substitute the penis for the pork gel It's very fatty that gets sauteed in oil Now your penis is nice and crispy, you're gonna add all your aromatics, so that means onion, right into the penis pan, garlic, crushed red pepper, and then you're just continue to saute for a couple minutes

You can see that all incorporating really beautifully That's one of the best-looking penises I've seen in awhile Crushed tomato, and then, just a little bit of sugar just to kinda neutralize that acidity, and then this is just gonna cook down for about 10 minutes and then you have a really beautiful penis sauce to go on your penis pizza Next up, penis pesto How many times can I say penis? Find out on the next episode of penis penis

My strategy to combat the fatty texture of that penis is to hit it with a lot of bright and herbaceous ingredients which is why I'm making a penis pesto and I don't think those words have ever been uttered in succession in human existence so that's really exciting for me So we're just gonna start by throwing a bunch of basil, some olive oil in there We got garlic, we got pecorino, we got pine nuts, and then just a little bit of lemon for that acid And then we're just gonna pulse this (mixer whirs) So we're just gonna dump that into a bowl and then what we have here is a bunch of bull penis that's been braised and just diced up into really tiny pieces

We're gonna fold that right into there Yum The third way I'm incorporating penis into the dish is gonna be via a penis Parmesan powder which is gonna be actually fried braised penis chunks They're gonna turn almost like chicharrones so super crispy, then I'm gonna bash those up and turn it into a powder, combine it with Parmesan, oregano, a little bit of garlic, crushed red pepper and then mix it all up and there you got your crunchy garlic Parmesan penis powder You know penis powder, just like you get at your local mom and pop pizza penis shop

Mom and penis pizza pop shop Penis pizza mom and pop pizza penis Now we just have to make the pizza which is really strange because of all the things that we've done before this The final pizza obviously starts with the dough and I'm kinda of influenced by Pizza Hut's original pan crust here and so we press it into the pizza pan, then the all'Amatriciana penis sauce goes on top, spread that around evenly And I'm gonna take some fresh mozzarella and you're just gonna start ripping it into chunks and throwing it on there

Stuff in a bag is super processed The stuff sitting in water, too much moisture You bake it, then a little bit of dusting of that crunchy penis Parmesan powder, then you top it with your beautiful, bright penis pesto And that's the final pizza (funky music) All right Link, I present to you the Parmesan penis pesto pizza

So we have penis that's been braised and then actually mixed into the sauce, you can see the chunks right there We've mixed little penis bits into the pesto and then there's a crunchy penis Parmesan garlic powder on top This has penis three ways all in one of America's favorite foods the pizza – So you're telling me that that big chunk, that big chunk, those are cross-sections of the thing – Yeah the peeto

– There's penis in the green stuff – It's chopped up very fine so the penis actually absorbed some of the pesto, gives you little penis flavor pops in the mouth – Yeah, I mean it looks good I would have thought that it's a pizza with big round chunks of onion – Nope

– And that's how I'm gonna think of it – Penis Yeah – I'm gonna say onion – I know, just big ol' chunks of penis on there

They say you eat penis with your eyes first It's an old chef saying – Who is they? – (laughs) It's an industry term – All right so I'm eating it with my eyes first – I'll go ahead and join you on this

– Yeah we're gonna go in on this penis together – Uh uh uh, gingerly touch our tips It's tradition on the show – Tip it and dip it – Tip it and dip it, baby

– All right so I'm gonna eat this whole chunk of onion – It's not onion, it's penis (soft music) – I'm really focusing on the bread part, like the crust – Yeah – The crust is very good

– Thank you – But the big globule of penis– – You can definitely tell it's not an onion – It's so chewy But it doesn't have a bad taste – It's not bad, it's pretty neutral

You have some brightness in the pesto You're not gonna throw up (exhales) There it is – I took a full bite – And how do you feel? – I feel a bit compromised

I feel a bit taken advantage of, but I don't feel horrible There's not another big bouncy ball – I can get you one if you want – Thank you – You're welcome

– What is that made out of? What is that? Is it rubber? – That? It's a bull penis made out of rubber No a bull penis is made out of penis – But what is it though, it's not meat – I don't know, no it's not Someone just Google what a penis is real fast? – It's elastic

– It is – It's elastic rubber – It's the weirdest conspiracy theory you have but– – I'm gonna eat it again – Please (upbeat music) – You're just eating unfettered penis over there

– Unfettered penis is the best kind sometimes Do you feel like you're no longer as afraid of penises as you were when you came into this? – I wouldn't say, I haven't been afraid of penis – You just said that – I've been afraid of eating penis – And do you feel like you've had a change of heart? – That crunchy stuff penis? – Yeah, there's several textures of penis on here

(clears throat) (chuckles) – You know what? I think I'm comin' around to the long dong You know? It's still kind of the worst pizza I've ever had – That's fair enough and there's a Little Caesars right over here – (chuckles) Right Gotta give it to you Josh

You made penis into a pizza (blows breath) – The penis breath is strong after the pizza Thank you guys so much for watching and come back next week to see if I can get Stevie to sink her teeth into some pig uterus And let me know in the comments what food freaks you out the most

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