How A Glass Of Milk Can Kill You

– [Link] I'm sure you're wondering how a glass of milk can kill you You and your buddy are about to enjoy some takeout wings from your new local super crazy spicy wing place called Your New Local Super Crazy Spicy Wing Place

You're a man with a weak palate, but you figured the heck with it and you only live once You grab a wing and take a chomp, and yeah that was a mistake, but it'll get better No, it's not getting better, you reach for your water, then you remember water only makes it worse, you need milk You run to the fridge and see an old carton of milk from three years ago You reach for the old milk, thinking any port in a storm, when suddenly you see the carton of milk right next to it that you bought this morning

Oh yeah, weird that you forgot that Anyway, panicked, you grab the new carton You reach to grab a glass, but in your frenzy, you drop it It smashes, shatters, you slip on the glass, you're falling, this is dangerous, the glass is flying, there's a shard falling towards your head, this seems like it could end badly, and BAM, you land on your back, and the milk carton lands open directly in your mouth, and you guzzle the sweet relief down your gullet You hear laughing, you turn, your buddy has captured this all on his phone

He posts the video online, it goes viral, everyone loves it, especially Your New Local Super Crazy Spicy Wing Place It's great promotion for their super crazy spicy wings They love it so much, they pay you to be their spokesman They make you do elaborate stunts to show the lengths a man will go to to cool his mouth after eating their wings The stunts escalate, until you find yourself eating a wing and shooting out of a cannon, and flying towards a pride of lions, who are also shot out of cannons, one of which has a glass of milk strapped to his head, which you must risk a mid-air mauls to grab

Well this is as good a way to die as any, you think in the air, but you must not have died, because you eventually find yourself in Japan eating a spicy wing, and then having to fight off 37 Yakuza, who evidently guard the only glass of milk left in existence or something You don't know, you really didn't read the script The point is, you immediately take a knife to the gut and then die Achoo! Sorry, had to sneeze Anyway, you take a knife to the gut and dietary restrictions are your new norm because you lived, but the knife was made from a strange metal that poisoned you and made you intolerant to food with vowels

You love food and vowels You despise the path you've gone down You lash out and blame others for your misfortune, specifically milk, you like chicken wings too much to blame'em You quit the milk stunt game You go on a press tour disparaging milk

Big Milk doesn't like this There's a knock on your door and you see Big Milk has sent a Big Milk goon, dressed as a giant glass of milk to pummel you to death You start to lose consciousness This glass of milk is killing you, but just before it can, you catch glimpse of the face in the milk costume and you recognize it It's Barry Abramowitz, your best friend from second grade who moved to a dairy farm

Barry? He stops, wait, Phil? That's you, you're Phil What a coincidence So you both start laughing and long story short, you immediately knock him unconscious with a nearby lamp You drag yourself down to the fridge to get a drink All that's left in the fridge is the even older old carton of milk from the beginning

Huh, well you are thirsty and what's the worst thing that could really happen, you think, so you reach for it, and then you remember water is also a thing, so you pour yourself a glass of that instead, but at that exact moment, far above your head, the guy Your New Local Super Crazy Spicy Wing Place hired to replace you as their stunt spokesman is doing an aerial skydiving stunt, involving machetes, flying deadly snakes and a glass of milk, when he accidentally drops the glass of milk, which plummets down to earth and crashes through your sky light, and hits you in the head and kills you So, anyway, that's how a glass of milk can kill you This Boiled For Safety mug is available at mythicalstore, but not for long, get one while supplies last

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