How A Coffee Table Can Kill You

Rhett: I'm sure you're wondering You need a new coffee table, so you buy a cheap one off Crayg's Lyst It's an old coffee table with dangerous-looking rusty nails sticking out of it, but you convince yourself it's Or is it shabby chick? You don't know You don't speak German One night you come home and find your roommate leading a dark coven and sacrificing a goat Sorry, I forgot to say you live with a witch who leads dark covens and sacrifices goats Worst of all, she's sacrificing the goat right on the new coffee table

Well, that's it, you think This coffee table's now possessed by an angry, demonic goat spirit Let's just hope it doesn't kill me in my sleep You go to sleep right next to it, in fact, because you think, better keep an eye on it so it doesn't get up to any goat-possessed sort of funny business In the middle of the night you wake up to see an evil ghost standing over you, holding a coffee table above its evil goat head

Oh, no, the funny business you scream because you're scared and maybe you just awoke from a dream about flapjacks

You quickly turn on the lights, and you see it's actually your witch roommate laughing as she stands on the coffee table holding the dead goat above her head you scream again because why not? You already said it once

The witch holds a phone in your face She's live-streaming this prank to the rest of her dark coven friends who laugh as they watch it on their various handheld devices, one such dark coven watcher being the second cousin of the youngest son of the New York Crime family The Italianos The same youngest son who lies next to her in bed because even though they're second cousins, they don't think that's weird, and who is also watching the live stream on her phone when suddenly he grabs the phone from her and screams, "Wait, I recognize that coffee table!" Turns out it's one that's been in the family for generations and was stolen from their house a few months ago by who they assume was a rival crime family, but maybe they were wrong Maybe it was you He takes a screen shot on the phone of the coffee table

The next morning, he shows it to his daddy and Don of the Italian crime family He issues an order to do anything necessary to find you– search high, search low, search middle, search every possible general description of height, but then he calls off the search He no longer needs it because you left your mail on the coffee table, and he can read your address in the screen shot

A few days later, there's a knock on your door It's Daddiano Italiano and his henchmen They demand you give the coffee table back You're confused They think you're playing dumb

They reach for you to probably kill you, but suddenly the Feds swoop in They'd been tracking Daddiano A huge battle breaks out with all sorts of bangs and explosions, so you hide under the coffee table and assume you will die and hope that if there's reincarnation, you're not brought back to life as a celebrity personal assistant 'cause those people got it rough Hours later, the chaos ends Somehow you're still alive

You wonder why this crime family wanted this coffee table You start to think it must be a It's gotta be

Why else would Daddiano want it? You also start to think it's a miracle you're still alive after that battle And then you remember you hid under the coffee table So you decide the coffee table must make you invincible It's clearly the only explanation for why they would want it and why you weren't hurt in the battle You're still overcome with the feeling of awe and love for this coffee table that you embrace it in a big hug

And as soon as you do, the world melts away and you wake up gasping in a hospital bed because it turns out everything after buying the coffee table was a fever dream on your deathbed, which you were in after getting an infection for pricking you finger on one of the coffee table's rusty nails And now you're having trouble breathing and your lips are really dry, so you wheeze to the nurse, "Grab chaps," meaning grab your Chapstick, but she just hears, "Crap flaps" and is confused, so she doesn't do anything, and even though it's only the third time you've ever said it in your life, and the first two times didn't really count because they were in a dream, your last words are "Crap flaps

" Then you die So, anyway, that's how a coffee table can kill you Link: Are you in Australia or know somebody who is? Well, listen up because we're taking our tour of mythicality to Australia Get tickets and details on the VIP package at tourofmythicalitycom

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